A growing number of couples are exhibiting patterns akin to 'quiet quitting' in their marriages, characterized by a reduction in emotional effort and communication while maintaining the facade of a functioning relationship. This trend, where spouses remain together but disengage emotionally and intellectually, can be a subtle indicator of marital distress, according to relationship experts.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Lisa Brookes Kift explained that this phenomenon involves spouses continuing to manage daily responsibilities, such as household chores and child-rearing, despite one or both partners experiencing a significant decrease in emotional and physical involvement. The term, which gained traction on social media, describes individuals who feel emotionally checked out from their marriage.
Kift noted that a surprising warning sign couples may overlook is the absence of conflict. "It’s a myth that an absence of arguing in a relationship automatically means the relationship is healthy," she stated. "Many are conflict-avoidant and rather than address their feelings, opt to sweep them under the rug, which over the long term erodes the foundation of emotional safety."
Attachment styles, developed from early life experiences with trust and emotional needs, can influence how individuals cope with marital distress. Those with an avoidant attachment style may be more inclined to remain in a state of emotional detachment, finding comfort in self-reliance. Conversely, individuals with a secure attachment style may be more likely to seek resolution and believe in the possibility of working through problems with their partner.
Kift identified several early indicators of a partner becoming emotionally disengaged. These include a decline in open communication, unresolved conflicts, growing impatience, and a tendency to assume the worst about a spouse's intentions rather than giving them the benefit of the doubt. These patterns can stem from early relationship experiences where trust and emotional needs were not consistently met, leading to a sense of hopelessness in adult relationships when similar disappointments reoccur.
If left unaddressed, this disengagement can lead to a state of "parallel play," a term journalist Monica Corcoran Harel used to describe couples who coexist without meaningful interaction, much like toddlers playing side-by-side. Repairing a marriage that has reached this point requires both partners to re-engage, which becomes exceptionally challenging when one spouse is deeply emotionally detached.
Kift cautioned that a partner who has "fully checked out" may not be open to repair efforts. Hypervigilance, or a constant state of being on guard for disappointment, can further impede a person's ability to recognize positive changes in their partner or the relationship.
For couples seeking to address these issues, Kift suggests initiating conversations that prioritize safety and convey genuine care. An example offered is: "I know it may not have looked like it, but you and our marriage are very important to me. Can we find a time to sit down and talk?" Such overtures are intended to create an opening for reconnection and address the underlying emotional distance.
