The phenomenon of 'quiet quitting,' once primarily associated with workplace disengagement, is now being recognized in marriages, where spouses may reduce emotional effort and communication over time. This gradual withdrawal, not a clinical diagnosis, can lead to a silent erosion of intimacy, according to relationship experts.
New York City divorce lawyer James Sexton described 'quiet quitting' in marriage as a situation where one partner decides to stop actively participating in the relationship rather than initiating a separation. This can be an attempt to avoid the perceived trauma of divorce or the social stigma of being the one to end the partnership.
"When people are fighting, it kind of means there’s still skin in the game," Sexton said. "The opposite of love is not hate … it’s indifference." He suggests that a lack of effort can be a more significant warning sign than frequent conflict.
Dr. Mindy DeSeta, a clinical sexologist, noted that some couples only seek help decades into their marriage, often when life's distractions, such as raising children, have diminished. At this point, they may realize they have been emotionally checked out for years.
Subtle signs of marital quiet quitting can include couples leading increasingly separate lives. This might involve pursuing different evening activities, watching separate shows, going to bed at different times, or having distinct social circles and workout routines. Such behaviors can indicate a growing emotional distance.
To counteract this trend, experts recommend several strategies to re-establish connection.
Intentional Gestures
Sexton advises making small, consistent gestures rather than grand, infrequent displays. Simple acts like sending a thoughtful text message, writing a note expressing appreciation, or sharing a song that evokes a shared memory can help reignite momentum. These low-effort actions, he notes, can serve as important reminders of affection.
Quality Time and Communication
Experts emphasize the importance of being present during shared activities. DeSeta warns that distractions like mobile phones can become a barrier, signaling a preference for the device over quality time with a partner. Engaging in meaningful conversation, such as asking about each other's day, and actively listening are crucial for rebuilding connection.
Positive Communication and Rekindling Romance
Instead of focusing on grievances, Sexton suggests approaching discussions with a positive framing. Recalling positive memories and suggesting ways to recreate them can be more effective than listing complaints. DeSeta adds that actively flirting with a partner and making an effort to