Experts Urge Shift in Raising Boys to Combat Loneliness and Promote Resilience

The way boys are raised significantly impacts their emotional well-being and resilience in adulthood, according to gender studies researchers and psychologists. Experts advocate for a cultural shift away from rigid gender stereotypes that can lead to isolation and mental health challenges among men.

For decades, studies have indicated a disconnect between societal expectations of masculinity—stoicism, strength, and independence—and the internal experiences of many boys and men. This disconnect can be harmful, as boys learn from an early age to suppress emotions and avoid vulnerability to conform to perceived norms of boyhood. Research by figures like Judy Chu, who began studying boys in the 1990s, revealed that many felt misunderstood, internalizing messages that left them feeling they had no choice but to adhere to a narrow definition of masculinity.

This socialization process often begins early, with boys learning rules of boyhood in school environments that reinforce these stereotypes. While societal changes have addressed gender inequities affecting girls, enabling them to pursue autonomy and careers, boys often remain constrained by traditional expectations. This is reflected in various statistics: boys are less likely to graduate high school on time compared to girls, and fewer young men obtain bachelor's degrees. Labor force participation among men has also declined, and suicide rates among men are significantly higher than for women. Men also report being less likely to seek support from their social networks.

Psychologist Michael Reichert's research indicates a profound sense of being unknown among young men, with two-thirds of men aged 18 to 23 feeling this way in a 2023 survey. He attributes this to a "boyhood that's not preparing our males for a resilient life." The ingrained idea of what a man should be and how he should behave pressures boys from childhood. Phrases like "boys don't cry" and "toughen up" discourage emotional expression. Joseph Derrick Nelson, an associate professor at Swarthmore College, notes that mothers may push sons away at young ages to avoid the perception of raising a "mama's boy," while fathers often emphasize self-reliance and overcoming adversity. Nelson also points out that Black boys are often perceived as older and less innocent, pushing them further toward rigid gender roles.

Experts argue that rejecting the myth of the "real boy" is crucial. This involves challenging the notion that emotional vulnerability and deep friendships are unfeminine. While boys and girls are equally emotionally expressive as young children, boys tend to show fewer emotions and use less emotional language as they start school. This can lead to a decline in close friendships during adolescence. To foster healthier emotional development, adults should avoid pitting masculinity against femininity and instead emphasize that emotional expression and connection are universal human needs. Specialized emotional education in schools can also help boys embrace vulnerability.

Encouraging open communication is another vital strategy. Psychologist Michael Reichert has led an emotional literacy program for boys that has become increasingly popular, demonstrating a growing cultural awareness of emotional health. Programs that allow students to discuss daily stressors and connect with peers foster maturity and provide outlets for emotional expression that were previously unavailable. For parents, engaging in dedicated, phone-free family time, listening to their sons' feelings without immediately trying to solve their problems, and modeling emotional openness are key. Driving, where direct eye contact is not required, can be a particularly effective time for these conversations.

Furthermore, fostering non-romantic intimacy is essential. The societal tendency to reserve emotional intimacy for romantic partners can leave men isolated, especially without a partner. This can lead to a situation where a significant percentage of men report having no close friends. In the absence of in-person connections, digital spaces, including video games and online forums, can become alternatives, though some of these spaces can be rife with misogynistic content that reinforces harmful stereotypes. Experts emphasize that when boys are taught to deny and suppress emotions, they struggle with building connected communities.

Teachers can play a role by recognizing signs of loneliness in boys, such as resisting authority or challenging boundaries, and using these as opportunities to connect rather than punish. By understanding the unmet needs behind these behaviors, educators can help facilitate close friendships. Demonstrating an alternative model of masculinity is also important. Men who are willing to share their own moments of embarrassment, disappointment, and sadness can show boys that it is acceptable to do so. Ultimately, experts agree that creating healthier men with connected friendships and emotional expressiveness must begin in childhood by challenging traditional expectations and fostering environments where vulnerability and open communication are valued.