Relationship experts are re-examining decades of dating advice, sifting through historical trends to identify wisdom that remains relevant today. Dating and life coaches Fiona Harrold and Kate Mansfield have analyzed advice from various decades, from the 1930s to the 1990s, to discern which tips offer lasting value and which are best left in the past.
While modern dating landscapes have evolved, many core dilemmas in relationships persist. Harrold noted that the anxieties surrounding communication, such as how long to wait before replying to a text, echo older concerns about waiting for a phone call. Mansfield added that while much historical advice was framed to make women feel less empowered, some ideas contain a "decent instinct buried under a pile of shame."
Mid-20th Century Guidance
Advice from the mid-20th century often reflected the societal norms of its time, frequently placing a heavy burden of responsibility on women to manage men's feelings and perceptions.
In 1938, Click Photo-Parade magazine offered tips for single women that ranged from practical to controlling, such as "don't be conspicuous talking to other men." Mansfield criticized the advice that "any open show of affection is in bad taste" as "damaging," arguing it makes women responsible for a man's embarrassment. However, the underlying sentiment that "private intimacy is more powerful than public performance" can be adapted to suggest allowing a relationship to deepen before public display.
Thomas D. Horton's 1945 manual, What Men Don't Like About Women, is noted for its criticisms of women's habits, including their choices of restaurants and reactions in cinemas. Harrold described this era as a "man's world" where women had limited freedom and relied heavily on men. She advises disregarding such advice and focusing instead on finding a partner who appreciates one's authentic self.
By 1952, The Girlfriend and The Boyfriend magazine cautioned women against being "teasers." Harrold pointed out the difficult tightrope women were expected to walk: to be attractive and flirtatious, but not to enjoy their own sexuality or attract too much attention. The modern interpretation emphasizes that women are allowed to enjoy their attractiveness and sexuality without shame, and are not responsible for another person's desires based on their appearance.
McCall's magazine's 1958 feature, "129 Ways to Get a Husband," offered suggestions like "stand in a corner and cry softly." While seen as "hilarious" by today's standards, Harrold appreciated the "intentionality" of the advice, which empowered readers with a clear goal and a plan, akin to career strategies.
Evolving Perspectives in the 1960s and Beyond
Robert Loeb's 1959 book, She-Manners: The Teen Girls' Book of Etiquette, focused on making oneself more attractive and dressing appropriately, but also illustrated the significant responsibility placed on young women to manage men's feelings. Harrold found it saddening that young women were taught to diminish themselves, advocating instead for preserving one's intelligence, ambition, and personality.
Helen Gurley Brown's 1962 book, Sex and the Single Girl, offered actionable advice for meeting men, including joining political clubs or frequenting Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Harrold viewed many of these ideas as brilliant for finding a partner but stressed the importance of building a fabulous life for oneself, rather than solely to attract a partner.
Albert Ellis's 1963 guide, The Intelligent Woman's Guide to Dating and Mating, encouraged sexual experimentation. However, Mansfield cautioned that the advice could be "half coercive," reframing reluctance as neurosis. The modern advice is to "keep the permission but bin the pressure," owning one's desire without letting shame dictate behavior, and recognizing that sexual freedom without the freedom to decline is not true freedom.
Evelyn Millis Duvall's 1967 book, The Art of Dating, was praised for its common-sense approach. Duvall's advice that "Dates should be planned with plenty of time in advance" is still considered a valuable indicator of a man's intention and organizational skills. However, the book also contained advice for women to "pretend to be dumber than she is," reflecting the societal pressure for women to minimize themselves.
Tracy Cabot's 1984 book, How to Make a Man Fall in Love with You, proposed "scientifically tested and proven techniques" like mirroring a date's posture. Mansfield critiqued this as a "terrible instruction," arguing that true attraction is built on being felt, not calculated. She advises attuning to a partner rather than mirroring them to avoid a relationship where one feels invisible.
The 1995 book The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, which advised making oneself "smaller, quieter, tidier, and less inconvenient," remains controversial. Mansfield found the suggestion to "get a nose job [or] colour grey hair" particularly damaging, interpreting it as a message that a woman's appearance is a defect. The advice to "allow men to drive in silence" was also scrutinized; while comfort with silence is valuable, the book attached a fantasy to it, teaching women to interpret silence as devotion. Mansfield's counter-advice is to "bin the mind-reading entirely" and ask direct questions.
Ultimately, experts suggest that while historical dating advice may offer insights, modern relationships benefit from advice that prioritizes authenticity, mutual respect, and clear communication, rather than adhering to outdated or potentially harmful directives.