The phenomenon known as "quiet quitting," where individuals do the bare minimum, can also manifest in marriages, according to divorce attorney James Sexton. This trend involves spouses reducing their emotional effort, communication, or overall involvement in the relationship, often as a gradual withdrawal rather than a dramatic separation.
Sexton described "quiet quitting" in a marital context as a passive disengagement, where one partner stops actively participating in the relationship's emotional and communicative aspects. He noted that this can sometimes be perceived as easier than initiating a divorce, potentially allowing the withdrawing partner to avoid appearing as the "bad guy" and even garnering more sympathy.
Experts suggest that a lack of effort or emotional investment can be a more concerning indicator of a relationship's health than frequent arguments. "When people are fighting, it kind of means there’s still skin in the game," Sexton stated. "The opposite of love is not hate … it’s indifference."
Clinical sexologist Dr. Mindy DeSeta pointed out that some couples only recognize this emotional disconnection years into their marriage, often when external life pressures, such as raising children, have lessened. They may realize they "quiet quit" their relationship when their children were very young.
This disconnection can lead to couples functioning as a cohesive unit in terms of household management and responsibilities, while emotionally living separate lives. Signs of this quiet quitting can include spending evenings apart, engaging in different activities, watching separate shows, going to bed at different times, and having distinct friend groups.
To address this growing distance, experts recommend several strategies.
Reconnecting often begins with small, consistent gestures rather than grand pronouncements. Sexton advises revisiting simple acts that were once cherished, such as sending thoughtful text messages, writing notes expressing appreciation, or sharing a song that evokes a shared memory. These small actions, he emphasized, cost little time or money and serve as reminders of the bond.
Intentional quality time is also crucial. DeSeta warned against distractions, such as mobile phones, during shared activities, as they can signal a partner's divided attention. Asking simple personal questions, like "how was your day?" can also help rebuild conversational bridges.
Communicating needs and feelings positively is another key strategy. Instead of focusing on complaints, such as "We never spend time together anymore," experts suggest recalling positive shared experiences and proposing to recreate them. This approach focuses on the positive aspects of the relationship and can help partners remember what initially drew them together, potentially reminding each other of their individual selves before they became a unit.
Finally, actively flirting with and dating one's partner can rekindle romantic interest and improve mood. DeSeta highlighted the importance of continuously "learning and earning" your partner, subtly conveying care and thought on a daily basis. This consistent effort can help break the cycle of quiet quitting and foster a renewed sense of connection. Sexton added a poignant reminder that time with loved ones is finite, urging couples not to wait for crises to recommit to their relationships.