Ending a marriage can lead to unexpected social consequences, particularly when the split is initiated by one partner and there is no infidelity involved. Kat Farmer recounts her experience of becoming a "social pariah" after informing friends and her community about her decision to divorce.
Farmer described the initial reactions as uniformly sympathetic, with friends assuming an affair was the cause. However, upon revealing that the divorce was her choice and not due to cheating, she encountered widespread confusion. She was questioned about her reasons, with people pointing to her seemingly happy marriage and the apparent lack of external problems.
"But you’ve got everything," she was told, "why would you make it difficult for yourself by going?" When Farmer expressed her unhappiness, the response was often, "but how unhappy?" Friends would then list perceived positives of her marriage, such as the absence of infidelity, abuse, or a controlling partner, implying she should endure her unhappiness.
Social Isolation and Resentment
This decision strained relationships, even with close friends. One friend expressed that Farmer had "you've ruined our lives" because their social circle was intertwined, with children growing up together and frequent couple-based activities. The friend questioned their future social arrangements.
Farmer's divorce came as a shock, leading to anger, confusion, and resentment within her social group. Whispers and allegations circulated, with some people in her local rugby club reportedly spreading "terrible things." A friend reportedly spent time correcting these rumors.
Farmer noted that in her affluent, middle-class community, where many women have seemingly "lovely, social, enviable lives," a woman who chooses to leave such a situation is perceived as a threat. She admits to having once been a similar person, confident in her own seemingly perfect marriage before realizing she could not continue.
Mirroring Relationships and Shifting Lifestyles
She suggests that when one person declares their marriage over, it can hold up a mirror to their friends' own relationships, leading them to feel implicitly criticized. While some friends offered understanding, others allegedly made Farmer feel worse to "make themselves feel better."
Despite Farmer and her ex-husband clarifying that friends did not need to choose sides, many still did, which she found hurtful. She also recalled a friend refusing her a place to stay when she was heading to her first mediation session, citing friendship with both parties as a reason it would be "really difficult."
Farmer observed that in some demographics, happiness is measured by material possessions and social standing. She confessed to having once subscribed to this view but grew to dislike the person she was becoming. The internal unhappiness, she explained, was pervasive, yet difficult for others to comprehend.
Financially, Farmer's post-divorce lifestyle required significant adjustment. She noted that, unlike a friend who was horrified at having to downsize to a mortgage-free semi-detached house, her own financial situation meant a 50/50 split, resulting in no financial gains from the marriage and a reduced disposable income, compounded by ongoing school fees.
The Motherhood Penalty
She also addressed the added judgment faced by women who leave their children. Farmer stated that being the one to physically leave the home was a necessity, though she did not detail the specific circumstances. However, she warned that women leaving their children face a different level of condemnation, often being labeled "selfish" or "hideous individuals."
Farmer explained her decision was to remove her children from a "toxic and vile environment," believing it was the "bigger person" choice, despite the emotional toll.
Her advice to women considering leaving an unhappy marriage includes anticipating the loss of friends and significant judgment, and preparing for a different lifestyle. She stressed the importance of avoiding heated remarks that could be regretted later and suggested that while a separation can be amicable or acrimonious, the outcome is the same, raising the question of whether to incur legal costs or endure short-term hardship.
Ultimately, Farmer advocates for self-honesty, accepting personal mistakes, and avoiding solely blaming the other partner. This approach, she believes, benefits not only legal proceedings but also future relationships. Her most critical piece of advice is to never speak negatively about an ex-partner in front of children, as they are part of him. She concluded that bitterness and anger prevent moving forward, while acceptance allows for learning and looking ahead.