Dear Abby: Mother-in-Law's Self-Centeredness Requires Acceptance
Dear Abby advises a frustrated daughter-in-law of 30 years that her self-centered mother-in-law is unlikely to change and that acceptance is the only path forward.
A daughter-in-law seeking advice from Dear Abby has been told that her mother-in-law's chronic self-centeredness, which has persisted for 30 years, is unlikely to change. The columnist advises the frustrated relative to accept this reality.
The daughter-in-law described her mother-in-law as incapable of engaging in a normal conversation, consistently redirecting any topic back to herself, often without relevance to the original subject. The situation is particularly difficult when the mother-in-law is around her adult grandchildren. According to the letter writer, the grandmother shows no interest in the grandchildren's lives, offers no kind words, and instead speaks at length about people unknown to the family.
Despite numerous attempts to steer conversations and direct the mother-in-law's focus, the daughter-in-law has found no success. She questioned if it was possible to influence such a person and expressed concern about the impact on her grandchildren, who often feel annoyed and disappointed after interactions. The letter writer noted that she discourages extensive visits, a decision that conflicts with her husband's views.
Dear Abby, whose real name is Jeanne Phillips, responded that after three decades, it is clear the mother-in-law will not change her behavior or her lack of interest in her grandchildren. The columnist stated that there is no quick fix and that the grandchildren are unlikely to seek out their grandmother's company beyond what is required, regardless of their father's opinion.
In a separate query, a letter writer detailed learning of her father's death via social media, an experience that left her hurt and angry. She had informed her sister of her feelings at the time but has struggled to move past the incident. With her mother now in declining health and the writer named executor of the will and trustee for her sister's inheritance, she fears a similar scenario will occur. Dear Abby advised the executor to approach her duties with humility and diligence, and if the estate is substantial and her sister objects to the will's terms, to consult a probate lawyer to prevent personal conflict.