Dear Abby is offering guidance to a woman whose marriage is experiencing strain due to her reluctance to embrace the role of grandmother, while also addressing concerns about politely declining houseguests and clarifying dating etiquette regarding payment.
The primary concern comes from a reader, "Don't Call Me Grandma," who has been with her husband, "Ted," for 15 years and married for 11. While they initially agreed neither wanted to be a grandparent, Ted's children have since had multiple children. The reader, a teacher, stated she has "no desire to fill the grandma role" and finds her personal time with her husband diminishing as his children's families make remarks about her absence.
She feels her husband has changed, stating, "I want my husband back, not the grandpa." She presented Abby with choices: become a "single older lady," live separate lives in the same house, or "conform and be miserable."
Dear Abby, whose real name is Jeanne Phillips, advised that divorce does not appear to be the best solution given their continued love for each other. She suggested the couple consider a separation that allows them to return to a "dating relationship" for a few years. This approach, Abby proposed, would enable them to "continue to have fun with him while avoiding the grandma role" until the grandchildren are less dependent on babysitting.
Another reader, "Keeping to Ourselves in Florida," sought advice on how to politely decline a visit from a distant cousin they haven't seen in over 20 years and do not wish to host. Dear Abby recommended responding that hosting is not possible and suggesting local hotels. She also advised offering to take the cousin out for lunch or dinner to catch up while they are in the area.
Finally, Dear Abby addressed a question about who should pay for a first date when a woman asks a man. The advice given was that the person who extends the invitation is generally expected to pay, unless a different arrangement is made beforehand. This principle applies across relationships, though close friends often have an understanding for separate checks. The advice column was founded by Pauline Phillips and is currently written by her daughter, Abigail Van Buren.