The modern dating landscape is often described as exhausting and demoralizing, with many single individuals feeling disillusioned by the experience, according to dating coach Lily Womble. Womble, author of "Thank You, More Please: A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love," suggests a shift away from dating apps toward in-person connections as a more empowering path to finding partnership.
Dating apps, Womble explains, are designed to be addictive, similar to slot machines, encouraging prolonged use in hopes of a lucky match. She advocates for a reset, emphasizing the importance of building new connections offline. This process, she outlines, can be distilled into three key steps: joy-building, co-conspiratorship, and flirting.
Joy-Building
Joy-building involves actively participating in activities that bring personal happiness and involve other people. The goal is not to seek out potential romantic partners, but rather to expand one's social circle and foster new friendships. Womble shares her own experience of meeting her husband after attending an improv class, making a friend who then introduced her to her social circle.
Co-conspiratorship
This step emphasizes enlisting friends to actively help in the search for a partner. If friends claim not to know any single people, Womble suggests collaborating on creative solutions, leveraging their social and professional networks. She recounts a successful instance where two clients, living in different states, utilized this method. One visited the other, met a potential partner at the airport, and through a series of questions, facilitated a setup that led to dating.
Flirting
Often perceived as daunting, flirting is presented by Womble as a learnable skill based on courageous connection. She defines it as approaching someone, asking a genuine question, and seeing if they are open to a conversation. A direct approach, such as complimenting someone or asking if they are single, can be effective. Womble notes that one client successfully initiated a relationship by complimenting a man she found attractive on a crosswalk.
Addressing the challenges of re-engaging in social interactions after periods of isolation, particularly for younger generations who may have missed crucial social skill-building opportunities during the pandemic, Womble highlights the need for a rejection resilience plan. This involves preparing for potential rejection and developing strategies for self-compassion. Understanding that the brain may perceive rejection as a significant threat, Womble advises recognizing these feelings as thoughts, not facts, and practicing kindness towards oneself. This self-compassion is presented as a scientifically supported tool for resilience.
To further build comfort and confidence, Womble suggests a "flirting ladder." This method involves gradually increasing social interaction, starting with simple steps like making brief eye contact with a stranger and progressing to holding eye contact for longer periods, or moving to simple greetings. By breaking down the process into manageable steps, individuals can increase their distress tolerance and build their capacity for courageous social engagement, ultimately leading to more connections and a greater chance of meeting compatible partners.