A bride-to-be is facing a pre-wedding crisis after discovering her fiancé's infidelity, which he attributes to cocaine use. The incident occurred during his bucks weekend, just weeks before their planned wedding.
According to the woman, known as 'White Wedding,' her fiancé confessed after a friend's wife informed her. He admitted to drinking and using cocaine throughout the night when two women joined their group. He claims that while he made the decision to participate, the cocaine made him reckless and overconfident, stating he would not have acted the same way if sober. He has promised to abstain from drugs and distance himself from friends who encouraged him, while also highlighting the financial implications of canceling the wedding.
Her bridesmaids have urged her to end the relationship, while his mother believes the incident should not overshadow their seven-year relationship. The bride-to-be expressed confusion, having previously believed cocaine inhibited male sexual performance. She remains conflicted, haunted by the images of her fiancé with other women.
Columnist Jana Hocking addressed the situation, stating that cocaine is never an excuse for infidelity. While acknowledging that science suggests cocaine can increase libido, she asserted that it does not compel cheating, citing instances where individuals remain faithful while under the influence. Hocking labeled the fiancé a "coward" for blaming the drug but conceded that the situation could potentially be a singular grave mistake.
Hocking advised postponing the wedding immediately, emphasizing that the bride-to-be is not in the right emotional state to proceed. She suggested that the financial loss of canceling the wedding should be weighed against the potential cost of a divorce. The columnist also criticized the fiancé's attempt to shift blame to his friends, arguing that he made the decision independently and has not fully accepted responsibility, raising concerns about his accountability in marriage. The fiancé's mother's plea was also dismissed as self-serving.
Hocking recommended that the couple postpone the wedding to allow the bride-to-be time to decide on forgiveness. She suggested that if the fiancé accepts consequences, undergoes a sexual health check, and makes genuine efforts to rebuild trust, there might be hope. However, if he focuses on financial losses or continues to use drugs as an excuse, she advised her to consider the relationship over.
In a separate dilemma, another woman, 'Excel in the Bedroom,' discovered her husband had been keeping a spreadsheet of their sexual encounters for two years. The spreadsheet detailed dates, who initiated, and whether she declined, along with calculations of the average time between acts. He claimed he started the record-keeping because she accused him of exaggerating their infrequent sex life.
The wife expressed that the secret monitoring has reduced her desire, making her feel scrutinized rather than desired. She questioned whether her husband's actions were justified by her previous dismissals of his concerns or if he had made intimacy transactional.
Hocking described the spreadsheet as "grim" and suggested the husband was treating intimacy like a "case he needs to win." She acknowledged his underlying frustration, noting that 11 sexual encounters in a year might not be sufficient for him, especially if his concerns were dismissed. However, she strongly advised against his method of tracking.
Hocking proposed that a cycle of initiation and rejection had developed between the couple, exacerbated by the pressure of the spreadsheet. She stressed the importance of deleting the document, as sex should not be a debt to be repaid. To address the core issue, she recommended an open conversation outside the bedroom, acknowledging past dismissals and the impact of the secret monitoring. The couple was encouraged to reflect on changes since having children and consider introducing non-sexual touch to rebuild intimacy. A couples counselor or sex therapist was also suggested if direct communication proved difficult.