Many individuals, particularly women, are experiencing a profound sense of loss and emotional heaviness that they misinterpret as burnout, according to therapists. This disconnect stems from grieving an idealized future that hasn't materialized, rather than solely from work-related demands.
For a long time, the author of a personal account initially attributed her persistent exhaustion to burnout. Despite efforts like taking supplements, optimizing sleep, and going on vacations, the feeling of heaviness, particularly on Sunday evenings, remained. This led to the belief that a new productivity hack or wellness trend could be the solution.
Therapists distinguish between burnout and grief. Joy Berkheimer, a Florida-based relationship and family therapist, defines burnout as a response to prolonged demands exceeding capacity, while grief arises from losing something meaningful—a dream, identity, or imagined future. Berkheimer suggests asking, "If your workload suddenly disappeared tomorrow, would your exhaustion disappear too?" For those experiencing this form of grief, the answer is often yes, as stress would lessen but the core sense of loss would persist.
Erin Barbossa, a Michigan-based therapist, frames grief as altering one's internal math: loss increases demands on the nervous system while capacity decreases. She encourages individuals to identify "What have I lost?" rather than solely focusing on exhaustion.
For many, the losses are not tangible but represent an entire imagined future: the career path not taken, the family life not realized by a certain age, or the envisioned ease of adulthood. This grief is often invisible because no physical death has occurred, yet an entire imagined future has vanished.
Laura Dabney, a Virginia-based psychiatrist, notes that society often reserves the word "grief" for death, leading to mislabeling other forms of loss as burnout, laziness, or a quarter-life crisis. This misnaming can prevent individuals from addressing the true nature of their emotional state.
Acknowledging this grief can fundamentally change the questions individuals ask themselves, shifting from "Why can't I get it together?" to "What am I actually mourning?" According to Berkheimer, once grief has a name, it ceases to manifest solely through physical exhaustion. This understanding can foster self-compassion and shift the focus from solving exhaustion to making meaning of the loss.
Therapists suggest practices such as journaling, engaging in long walks, reconnecting with past interests, and embracing "creative practices"—activities that invite curiosity, play, and self-expression—as ways to navigate these feelings. These practices are not about artistic talent but about staying connected to oneself during times of change.
Verbalizing these unspoken emotional experiences, or "verbal intimacy" as Dabney calls it, allows these feelings to be understood, responded to, and supported by others. Admitting the grief of an expected but unfulfilled life doesn't erase pain but can prevent carrying it alone.
By reframing exhaustion as a form of grief for an imagined life, individuals can move beyond self-judgment and begin a process of healing and self-discovery, finding a starting point for navigating their current reality.