Author Clare Foges has detailed her unsuccessful efforts to cultivate friendships with other mothers, a pursuit she describes as driven by an idealized notion of modern motherhood. After years of attempts at various baby groups and social events, Foges concluded that her approach was flawed and ultimately unsustainable.
Foges recounted an instance early in her motherhood journey where she met a woman at a baby music group and, after a brief conversation, asked for her number. When her subsequent text proposing a coffee date went unanswered, she was left feeling disheartened. Her husband's observation that asking for a number so soon after meeting might appear 'creepy' made her reconsider her approach, leading her to realize she might have been coming across as desperate.
She explained that the idea of having a close-knit group of 'mum friends' is often presented as an integral part of modern motherhood, akin to a 'Sex And The City-style gang' for parents. Foges cited her experience with the National Childbirth Trust (NCT) classes, where some participants form lasting friendships, as an example of this ideal, though her own group did not maintain contact.
After moving to Bristol with two young children, Foges intensified her efforts, attending a variety of groups including coffee mornings, library singalongs, buggy-fit classes, and 'messy play' sessions. While her children enjoyed these activities, Foges found that her attempts to forge deeper connections often stalled. She noted that conversations frequently revolved around common parental topics such as baby feeding, sleeping, and developmental milestones, which could become repetitive and limit the scope for developing more profound friendships. She also observed that some friendships faltered when working mothers returned to their careers.
Foges described a particularly poignant moment when she encountered a group of mothers at a park who had all been part of an earlier baby gym class she had attended. While she had attended solo in the intervening years, they had become close friends. This encounter left her feeling like a "lone ranger" in contrast to their established bond.
She pondered why she struggled to connect, contrasting the dynamics of these maternal friendships with how she had previously formed friendships through school, university, and work, which often involved immediate intimacy and shared confidences. Foges suggested that women sometimes adopt a more reserved, "motherly" persona after having children, muting their personalities and making deeper connections harder to establish. Attempts to move beyond superficial "mum-chat" with more personal confessions were sometimes met with confusion.
Her efforts continued with the use of the app Peanut, designed for mothers to connect. While initial interactions led to scheduled meet-ups, Foges found herself adopting the "ghosting" behavior she had previously experienced, canceling plans or not responding to messages. This led her to a realization: she had been pursuing these friendships because she felt she should, rather than from a genuine desire for a specific type of companionship.
With the arrival of her fourth child, Foges changed her approach, deciding to forgo the intensive pursuit of new mum friends. While acknowledging that it can sometimes be lonely, she now relies on her existing friendships, which are accessible by phone. She expressed a sense of liberation in this shift, suggesting that focusing too much on societal expectations can distract from present joys, and that sometimes, the company of her young child is sufficient.