Three years have passed since the Oct. 7 attacks, a day that irrevocably altered Rachel Goldberg-Polin's life with the abduction of her son, Hersh, from a music festival. Hersh, who was 23 at the time, endured 328 days of captivity before being executed in a tunnel in Gaza along with five other hostages. His body was returned bearing signs of torture and bullet wounds.
Goldberg-Polin describes her current state as being "stuck in time," unable to move past the trauma of her son's death. She likens her experience to that of families who lost loved ones on Sept. 11, 2001, noting that major historical events create indelible markers in people's lives.
She recounts waking up on Sept. 11, 2001, to news of the World Trade Center attacks, a shared national moment of shock. This memory is now paralleled by the personal devastation of Oct. 7, 2023, which marked the end of her life "before." The ensuing period was an "odyssey of hardship" as she and other families desperately sought the return of the 251 hostages abducted that day.
Many of those taken on Oct. 7 were from 39 different nations and represented diverse faiths. The youngest hostage was a nine-month-old baby, and the oldest was a grandfather. Despite their efforts, dozens of hostages who survived horrifying conditions for months were murdered before rescue.
In the approaching third anniversary of the attacks, Goldberg-Polin addresses the common question, "Are you getting better?" She states that the answer is no, explaining that she strives to "get different" and adapt to her new reality rather than heal in the conventional sense. She describes her grief as a "cage of suffering" and calls the expectation of improvement "toxic positivity," an attempt to avoid confronting misery.
Goldberg-Polin draws a parallel to a black panther she observed pacing in a zoo enclosure as a child, feeling a kinship with the caged animal. While acknowledging moments of blessing and laughter within her grief, she yearns for release. She notes that parents who have buried their children before her have shared that the pain does not necessarily lessen but remains a constant constriction.
Hersh Goldberg-Polin is remembered as a curious and hopeful individual with a desire to travel the world. He had planned a trip for Dec. 27, 2023, but missed his flight due to his captivity. Even in his captors' videos and in conversations with fellow hostages, Hersh reportedly maintained hope.
Goldberg-Polin expresses a longing for a "compass" toward compassion for herself, her family, and all people. She believes that love, not power, is the stronger force, and that her love for Hersh continues to grow, even as grief serves as a painful reminder of that love.
She concludes by reflecting on her son, who will forever remain 23 years old, and prays for a future where healing, or at least transformation, becomes possible for all those affected by such profound loss.