Runner's Journey: From Seeking Love in Ultramarathons to Self-Acceptance

Endurance sports, including running clubs, marathons, and ultramarathons, have seen a surge in popularity, with ultramarathon finishes in North America tripling since 2010 to exceed 150,000 runners last year. This trend reflects a growing appeal in pushing physical limits, but for some, the drive behind these pursuits stems from deeper emotional needs.

One runner, Nickademus de la Rosa, recounts how his involvement in ultrarunning was initially driven by a profound need for external validation, particularly seeking the love and approval he felt was missing from his childhood. Growing up in a difficult home environment marked by his parents' divorce and their own troubled upbringings, de la Rosa internalized the belief that love and care were things that had to be earned, not inherent. This led to a lifelong quest for achievement to prove his worth.

His teenage years were characterized by a desperate desire for attention, but despite good grades and participation in sports, he felt like he was never a standout. This changed when he witnessed his mother complete her first marathon. Inspired, he began his own running journey at 15, hoping to gain his mother's affection through a shared pursuit. He completed his first marathon later that year and quickly progressed to longer distances, including a 50-mile ultramarathon.

A Quest for Recognition

A pivotal moment came during his senior year of high school when he organized a 100-mile run around his school track to fundraise for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. The media attention he received from this event was significant and provided him with the feeling of being seen, a validation he craved. This amplified his desire for more recognition, leading him to tackle increasingly demanding races. By age 19, he had completed the grueling Badwater 135-mile race in Death Valley, followed by the Arrowhead 135 in Minnesota. At 20, he attempted the notoriously difficult Barkley Marathons, a race with a very low completion rate.

His dedication and success in these extreme events eventually led him to a career as a professional trail runner, traveling the world and competing in 200-mile races. He experienced the attention, praise, and adulation he had always sought. However, he admits that a part of him knew that if he didn't win, the feelings of worthlessness he had suppressed would consume him.

A Health Crisis and a Shift in Perspective

In 2018, de la Rosa's running career came to an abrupt halt when he was diagnosed with a congenital bicuspid aortic valve and an aortic aneurysm, necessitating open-heart surgery. This health crisis ended his professional running career and, with it, his primary source of validation. He was confronted with the question of his identity and worth in the absence of athletic achievement.

For the next five years, de la Rosa underwent intensive therapy, including dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), lifespan integration, and internal family systems (IFS) therapy. This process helped him confront suicidal ideations and self-harm, develop emotional regulation skills, and address the root causes of his childhood trauma. Through therapy, he began to understand that his worth was not contingent on his accomplishments.

Redefining Success and Self-Love

After recovering from surgery, de la Rosa returned to running, albeit at a lower intensity. This period allowed him to reconnect with nature and spend time with his wife, whose running career was gaining momentum. He found he could better separate his internal voices from his sense of self. He also began training for shorter races, events he had previously avoided for fear of not winning.

This shift in focus allowed him to rediscover the joy of running for its own sake, independent of performance metrics or external validation. He realized that he could participate in and enjoy races without needing them to be directly tied to his success. Reflecting on his past, de la Rosa states that while he cannot be certain if he would have achieved the same heights without the underlying need to prove his worth, he has found a profound sense of peace and self-acceptance. He now emphasizes the importance of unconditional self-love, offering his younger self the reassurance that his worth is inherent, regardless of race outcomes.