Anna Mathur, a psychotherapist, has described experiencing severe 'mom rage,' characterized by uncontrollable outbursts of anger directed at her children and resentment towards her husband. This intense emotional state, she explains, stemmed from chronic sleep deprivation, the challenges of raising young children, and unaddressed childhood trauma.
Mathur recounted an incident at a church playgroup where she screamed at her potty-training son after he made a mess, leaving him scared. She noted that during such moments of overwhelm, the cognitive part of the brain that allows for rational response becomes inaccessible. This behavior left her shocked and ashamed, struggling to reconcile her actions with her identity.
The difficulties intensified with the birth of her second son, who suffered from severe reflux, leading to significant sleep deprivation for Mathur. She also developed postnatal depression and anxiety, yet found it difficult to accept help, feeling a need to prove she could manage everything alone.
Her struggles with anger were not new. Mathur identified a connection to suppressing difficult feelings in her childhood after her younger sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor at age eight. She recalled internalizing her grief and striving to be a 'good, easy, and calm' child. Later, she described instances of intense physical anger, such as shaking her infant son's buggy violently.
Mathur's 'good girl mentality' continued into motherhood, leading her to refuse offers of help from friends, family, and even her husband. She also did not take prescribed antidepressants, believing she did not need them. Things improved slightly as her youngest child approached one year old and she began getting more sleep.
The situation escalated again during the COVID-19 pandemic. While working from home and managing three young children, Mathur felt isolated and resentful, particularly towards her husband, who worked in finance. She felt envious of his ability to finish his workday, while her role as a mother felt never-ending. This period strained their marriage, leading to her becoming short, snappy, and withdrawn.
She described reaching a breaking point, where the constant demands of her children while trying to cook dinner, coupled with a delayed response from her husband during a work call, triggered a scream of overwhelming frustration. Mathur admitted to having fantasies of escaping the situation, feeling trapped and as if she were losing her mind.
A significant realization came while sitting with her husband and children. She began to understand that her outbursts might be a normal human response to extreme stress and overwhelm, rather than a sign of personal failure. This led her to accept more help from her husband and reduce her workload, including scaling back her therapy practice and outsourcing social media management.
Further insights came in 2023 when Mathur was diagnosed with ADHD. This diagnosis underscored the importance of dedicated time for relaxation and nervous system regulation. Additionally, her experience parenting a neurodivergent child helped her understand the need for calm and predictability, realizing why certain periods of motherhood had been so overwhelming.
Mathur has since prioritized slowing down, which has improved her marriage and her overall well-being. She now focuses on helping other women reframe feelings of guilt, burnout, and rage. She also recently began HRT at age 40 after noticing a return of irritability, linking it to perimenopause and fluctuating estrogen levels.
Mathur emphasizes that stress is unavoidable, but women often operate at maximum capacity, increasing their 'brittleness.' She offers advice on reframing anger, suggesting that outbursts are often signals of unmet needs or accumulated stress, rather than direct reactions to immediate triggers. Her journey has taught her that she was not an inherently angry woman, but rather someone who was overwhelmed.
Her book, "How to Stop Snapping at the People You Love (As Well As the Ones You Don’t): A Compassionate Guide to Rage, Regulation and Repair," was released on July 2.