A reader whose son excluded her longtime stepmother from a small wedding reception was advised by Dear Abby to respect the couple’s guest list and avoid intervening, while another correspondent who remarried after widowhood was told to seek professional guidance after adult children cut contact.
In the first letter, signed “Groom’s Mom in the East,” the writer said her son and his fiancée are planning a small reception in a few months that will include only “closest friends and family,” a list that omits the writer’s late father’s second wife, identified as Bonnie. The writer said Bonnie has been part of the family for nearly 40 years but has struggled with mental health issues and at times caused friction. The son “has no particular problem with Bonnie,” the mother wrote, but because Bonnie “has made no effort to welcome my son’s fiancée” he “feels no strong desire to include her.” The mother said she has regularly included Bonnie in family events and is worried Bonnie will be devastated when she learns she was not invited.
Abby, the syndicated advice columnist also known as Jeanne Phillips, told the mother the reception is the son’s event and advised her to “step back and stay out of it.” Phillips wrote that if Bonnie learns she was not invited, the mother should explain that the reception was small and that the couple could not include her, and that Bonnie should address any objections with the son.
In a second letter, from a correspondent who identified herself as “Hoping in California,” a 10-year widow said she was set up on a dating site two years ago by her daughter, met a man there, and married him. The writer said her adult son and daughter have not spoken to her since the marriage, live three miles away, have never met her new husband and have even contacted her attorney. The writer said her lawyer advised them that “your mother is an adult and can make her own decisions.” She asked Abby how to reconcile with her children and introduce her new husband.
Phillips responded that the marriage appeared to be a wise choice and recommended two steps before the mother reached out to her children: schedule sessions with a licensed marriage and family therapist to determine how or whether to proceed, and consult her legal adviser “to prevent being taken advantage of.” In the column, Phillips also acknowledged the possibility — in her words, “forgive me if this seems cynical” — that adult children who contact a lawyer to prevent a parent’s marriage might be motivated by inheritance concerns.
The two letters illustrate recurring tensions readers raise in the advice column: disputes over who is included in intimate family celebrations and conflicts that follow new romantic relationships in later life. Phillips, who writes under the Dear Abby byline and continues a column founded by her mother Pauline Phillips, has often counseled readers to prioritize the wishes of those directly affected — in the first case, the marrying couple — and to seek professional mediation, counseling or legal guidance when family estrangements involve estate issues or other legal questions.
Both columns underscore practical steps frequently recommended by family counselors and elder-care advocates: set clear boundaries, pursue mediated conversations when appropriate, and obtain legal advice before making or responding to decisions that could affect inheritance or guardianship. In the reception dispute, Phillips urged the mother to defer to her son’s choices and to direct any complaints from the excluded relative to him. In the remarriage dispute, she urged the mother to establish support and protections before attempting reconciliation.
Dear Abby is distributed nationally and accepts letters at DearAbby.com and by mail. The column has been a fixture of American newspapers since its founding and continues to draw reader questions about marriage, family dynamics and personal decision-making.