A mother has written to Dear Abby seeking advice on how to handle her adult children and grandchildren who she feels have taken advantage of her and her husband's generosity.
For 30 years, the couple, both previously widowed, have funded many aspects of their grown children's lives, including cars, college, weddings, and vacations. Now retired, they can no longer afford to maintain this level of financial support, but their children continue to expect it.
The couple has decided to reduce their participation in family activities because they cannot continue to pay for everything. According to the letter writer, "Money Mama in Michigan," her children do not seem to understand that the couple is adjusting to a new financial reality or that they shouldn't be obligated to pay for everything.
Adding to the mother's distress is the lack of appreciation shown by her children. On special occasions like birthdays, only one of her six adult children sends a card. While the couple sends Christmas cards with checks and gifts to all their children, only one child acknowledges the gesture. The majority of the grandchildren also fail to acknowledge birthday cards and checks.
"I’m ready to quit sending anything to anyone and act ignorant when a server brings the bill to our table filled with family," the letter writer stated. Her husband views these expenditures as an early distribution of their inheritance. Both parents are naturally generous but feel they have been taken advantage of.
Dear Abby, whose column is written by Jeanne Phillips, responded that the children's manners are "atrocious" and that some of the blame lies with the parents for not holding a family conference at the time of the husband's retirement to explain their changed financial situation. Abby advised the mother to schedule this conversation and to express how it makes her feel when gifts are not acknowledged.
In a separate query, a reader asked if it is rude to inform a stranger or customer that their zipper is down. Abby advised that as long as the message is delivered subtly or privately, it is a kindness and a favor to the person.